If You Love Someone, Let Him Go

I’ve only got a minute, but I wanted to write something down so I will always remember how I feel in this exact moment. I’m laying here, in Hoyt’s bed, and he’s sleeping next me, doing that cute little lip-curl-thing he does when he’s dreaming. It’s almost like nothing’s changed. Like we are back in love and never missed a beat. But at the same time, everything feels so different...

Hoyt’s touch is stronger; he’s more confident. When he looks at me, it’s more intense, like he’s looking deeper inside me than he’s ever looked. But he’s still gentle and tender and his same ol’ sweet self. I know it sounds kind of cheesy, but it really does feel like Hoyt had to leave just so he could come back again.

And it’s not only Hoyt – there’s a whole list of things that are starting to feel exactly like they happened just the way they were meant to happen. Like meeting James in that camp, and his kindness towards me. He was meant to bring me out of that dark place I was in. We were meant to be with each other just long enough so he and Lafayette could find each other.

Even Jason and I, finding the other in our safe little bubble and then coming back to Earth? Turns out he’s always been just what I needed – a good friend.

And Bill. He released me tonight. When he did, all his power – that whole ‘ties of our blood’ thing – it’s just not there. I’ve got this empty feeling in my gut – or at least I did at first – but now even that seems to be filling in. I feel a new power coming from inside of me – a strength that is mine and mine alone. Like I’m not a baby vamp anymore and that I really can stand on my own two feet.

Is this what fate is? Feeling like everything in your life was meant to be and you really have no control? Or is fate just an idea that lets you accept the things in your life you can’t change, and appreciate the things you can? If the latter is true, then there is still one thing left for me to accept. I don’t know if I can – but I owe it to Bill to try.

Is the Age of Miracles Past?

I don’t know what I’m doing here. Even typing these words feels so...wrong. I should be in there with Bill. I should be spending every last moment I can with him but I just can’t look at him anymore. Those veins look like ugly black snakes choking the life right outta him. And here I am, just sitting around, waiting for Sookie and her “miracle.” I don’t know about you all, but I haven’t seen a whole lot a miracles happening around here lately.

 

I learned all about miracles growing up. Bible’s full of ’em. Birth of Jesus. Death of Jesus. Walking on water, burning bushes, floods, plagues -- those are the big ones, anyway. But how are you supposed to read about miracles in a two thousand-year-old book and somehow believe they can happen to you? I never did. Not really.

 

But then a miracle did happen to me -- and his name was Bill Compton. I wouldn’t have been made vampire without him, but I also wouldn’t be the vampire I am without him. Bill -- and Sookie -- they have been good to me. I owe whatever life I have to the both of them. And it’s scary to think about dying -- for good, but I have -- I mean, I am, thinking about it. And I’m thinking if there is any way for me to trade my life for Bill’s right now, so he could get his miracle...I think I might do it. I hope you all aren’t mad at me for saying that, but it just feels like it would be the right thing to do...

Little Sister/Big Sister

I’ve been kind of numb for weeks now. Some days are easier than others, you know? Then in the blink of an eye everything changes and there’s this pain that won’t go away. It’s different from the dull pain of being numb, or the physical pain of being shot -- God, does that hurt -- but even that type of pain can still be stuffed under the surface. Instead, this pain, this grief, is raw and sharp and so intense that it’s impossible for me to ignore. 

 

Watching Alcide’s murder, and Sookie’s reaction, was unreal. For a moment everything froze. And just as quickly the shock was gone, sound returned, and all I could hear was the ringing of Sookie’s cry. It’s as if I could see the grief gripping and tugging at her heart. I can only imagine what that type of love and loss must feel like. I’m not saying I don’t know what it’s like to experience loss, but this wasn’t the same as losing my grandparents or even Tara, for that matter. The hurt in Sookie’s eyes looked different. I guess the closest I’ve come to understanding her pain was having to say goodbye to Hoyt, but even that doesn’t come close. I could tell Alcide really loved her.

 

Sookie was the first person to show me real kindness after being made vampire -- sort of like a big sister. I could always go to her when I thought Bill was being unreasonable, or if I wanted to do something I didn’t want him to know about, and she would cover for me. The moment I looked into her eyes after Alcide was killed, I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to carry this pain for her, because I could see it was too much to bear. If only for a brief moment, I could be the big sister.

 

Pam’s Halfway House for Wayward Baby Vamps

I feel like Little Orphan Annie. Only without Punjab and Miss Farrell. And my Daddy Warbucks turned out to be batshit. A phony. What are the odds? Crappy human parents AND a crappy maker... It just don't seem fair. So here I am, stuck hiding in the basement of Fangtasia because I got nowhere else to go.

 

It's funny how quickly things can change. How life can be so good and so rich and so perfect, and then it's all swept away from you in an instant. First it was Hoyt. Those feelings I had for him -- the love, the lightning -- I woke up one day and they were gone. Nowhere to be seen or heard from ever again. And then this. Order in the vampire world just falling apart, my maker at the center of it all. It feels like only yesterday I was partying with those UNL kids, making out with Jason, feeding from hot guys whenever I felt like it. And now I'm just trying to make it through the night in Pam's Halfway House for Wayward Baby Vamps.

 

I hope Tara really does bring me a fangbanger...

Five Easy Ways to Keep Yourself Entertained*

When you’re stuck at home for the night with a gaggle of human guards, worried about what’s going on in the outside world but under strict orders to stay indoors… passing the time ain’t exactly easy. Here’s a few ideas for how I like to kill the night:

 

Channel your inner choreographer...

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Foot massages!

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Make sweet music.

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Hang time with the boys!

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Never EVER forget the power of glamouring.

*guards not included