Confessions of a Vampslut

Small Town Blues

In a place like Bon Temps, you can't avoid the dreaded run-in with the ex. No matter how you prepare yourself for it, it's never going to go as smoothly as you hoped. He's never just going to say it's nice to see you, you seem good, and then be on his merry way. He will find the most irritating button he possibly can, and then push it like twelve times with a shit eating grin on his face that makes you want to sock him right in the kisser.

But you can't sock him right in the kisser, you know why? Because you're bound to see him again. Especially if he's got it in his head that he's some sorta fangbanger who belongs hanging around bars like Fangtasia, places that are supposed to be your territory and not his.

I've learned something very important from this experience: serious relationships will only lead to break ups, which will only lead to awkward and infuriating situations like this one. So I’m thinking it's about time to cool things off with Jason. Do I want to? No. He's got the most ridiculous abs. But I don't want to risk having two guys in this town I have to avoid. Bon Temps is wayyyyy too small for that. But sometimes we have to do things we don't wanna do. I guess that's the price you pay for living in a one-horse town.

Big Vampire Sisters

The Often Strange and Sometimes Unexpected Perks of Being a Vampire

The most obvious? Glamouring… hello! You can make humans do whatever you want them to.

Heightened senses! I could hear what Sookie was saying about Debbie Pelt and Tara all the way from Jason’s bedroom (where we were just talking, I swear - no funny business). We vamps can hear, see, touch and smell the shit outta everything. Our sense of taste is somewhat limited, but you can’t have it all, can you?

Investigative training? Who needs it… we’re already suited to a life of solving crime! Just ask Deputy Jason Stackhouse.

My seasonal insomnia is loooong gone. Now when I go to ground, I’m dead. I don’t have to worry about falling asleep.

Moving? Call a vampire. We can carry shit your regular Joe Shmo mover couldn’t dream of, and we don’t need any damn back braces.

I can text super-fast. Type super-fast. And read super-fast. If only I’d had that skill back in bible school…

And finally, my personal favorite, I don’t get cold anymore, or at least I don’t feel it. My body temperature pretty much stays the same. Which means I can wear these little bandage dresses no matter what the weather’s like outside. Pretty cool, huh?

Y’all got any fun ones?

Vampire Sex 101

I missed out on sex ed, mostly because I was home-schooled and my parents wouldn’t have dared include that in my curriculum. But I had a few friends at the local junior high who said they missed out too. All the funding for arts, music, and apparently sex ed, got cut just around the time we were all hitting puberty. So there were a bunch of horny and ignorant teenagers (a terrible combination) walking around my town. But guess what? It ain’t any better now that I’m a vampire.

There’s no such thing as vampire sex ed. All the urges and the desires are amplified, times fifty, but there’s nobody to teach us about the best positions, the differences between having sex with a human versus another vampire, about protection… like, do we need it? Does that even apply to us? There’s so much to learn!

So I guess what I’m trying to do is open up the conversation. Now that I’ve had a little experience, I thought I’d share a few things I’ve picked up along the way with y’all. So here are some of my likes and dislikes, I hope it helps some of you out there!

My favorite way to do it? Wild. I like to let loose. Be a crazy vampire. To show how turned on I am and for that to turn my partner on even more. Submissiveness bores the shit outta me.

Where do I like to do it best? The couch. Beds are so expected. But the couch, it’s comfy and private, but still feels spontaneous.

What to do with those fangs? My ex-boyfriend was scared of ‘em. But I think a little fang nibble is hot. Besides, I ain’t gonna scratch you.

But what about those fang boners? I promise they get easier to control! Give it time, patience and practice.

What turns me on? Besides Jason Stackhouse? I’m not sure any aphrodisiacs really work on vampires. I’ve heard things about faerie blood, but that’s a whole other can of worms I don’t know enough about, really. What tends gets me going is talking. Give me instructions. Tell me what to do. Or just talk dirty, if you want. I like a man that’s got a lot to say.

And finally… can two people that are insanely attracted to each other really just be friends? Honestly, I just don’t know.