Babyvamp Jessica

Who's Afraid?

Jessica Hamby — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 02:47:33 +0000

Like You Mean It

Jessica Hamby — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 02:06:45 +0000

Sometimes, back when I was human, I used to pray. The real kind of praying. I had to fake it all the time when my parents were around, but when no one was looking, real late at night, I’d clasp my hands together, get down on my knees and squeeze my eyes shut as tight as I could. I’d think so hard it hurt most of the time. I don’t know if I really believed that god would hear me, or that maybe just the universe would catch wind of it. I wasn’t praying for me or for something I wanted, it was more about reaching people outside of my little life. Hoping that some missing kid I’d seen on the news would be found, or people coming home from war would be safe, that the deaf could hear and the blind could see again.

And even though I’m getting a little tired of having to save Jason with my blood, since it’s mixing up all our feelings, making it hard to tell what’s real and what’s the blood, I’m real glad I got to give him his sight back. Maybe my prayers are coming true, or maybe some things really do come full circle. Not sure what that says about god, about me, or about vampire blood, but I think it says something about the universe.

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

Jessica Hamby — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 03:07:17 +0000

The Stuff of Life

Jessica Hamby — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 02:05:01 +0000

I kept a diary when I was human. I wrote silly little girl things in it, about the boys I had crushes on or the fights I could hear my parents having or what I wanted for my birthday. The stupid stuff that feels so big when you’re young. And I remember, I kept this list in it, I called it “MY STUFF.” Like a catalogue of all the things I owned. The mix tape my friend Stacy made me, with that Backstreet Boys song. My headband collection from Claire’s. The postcard my cousin sent me from New York City (she called it “The Big Apple” and said she’d never had pizza so good in her entire life). The Aerosmith CD with all the nipples on it, which I nicked from a garage sale and never told my parents about.

But now that I’m a vampire, and I’m gonna live forever, it’s weird to think about owning things. That STUFF would ever be mine. Possessions come and go. They’re found, lost, they deteriorate or lose their value. Even sentiments fade away eventually. Look at me and Hoyt. We used to be as real as anything on that list, and now, well, we’re just a dusty ol’ memory being stuffed in a box.

Nowhere to Go

Jessica Hamby — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 02:01:27 +0000

On my fifteenth birthday, after having dinner at the church with my family, I snuck out with a few friends. We said we were going to get some root beer floats at Linnea and Tony’s Diner, but instead we went to the park one town over, where the public school kids would gather with brown bagged forties and stolen vodka. I had never been before, but my friend Erica used to go all the time and she was introducing me to everyone. I forgot most of ‘em, but there was this girl there, Nikki... she smelled kinda bad, and her hair was all tangled. I think she did it on purpose, she called them dreadlocks or something, but it didn’t look so good. I asked where she was from and she said she was born in De Soto parish, but she lived on the streets now. When I asked her why, she said got nowhere else to go. Then she shrugged her shoulders, lit up a hand-rolled cigarette and smiled at me like I was the biggest idiot she’d ever seen. I never felt so sheltered, you know? I knew I was going home to my cozy little house, where my mama would be folding my underwear and baking fresh cookies or some shit. And although my daddy could be mean as a hell, I still had a roof over my head. Even after I was turned, I had the old Compton place. And then Hoyt and I had a home, all to ourselves.

But now? I really got nowhere to go. I wonder if Nikki’s still living on the streets or if she found herself a home. Or maybe home is just a feeling, and it doesn’t matter where your feet are. Maybe wherever you are, that’s home.

Hate to Say I Told You So

Jessica Hamby — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 02:03:47 +0000

Do you ever get the sense that something big is about to happen to you? Like you might fall in love or fall out of love or you might fall through the cracks of the earth and disappear into it? Lodged in between layers of rock and dirt with feet pounding over your head so many miles away, it just sounds like a million muffled heart beats...? There’s no reason or explanation, it’s just a feeling you can’t shake and you can’t really make any sense of it. It’s kinda like the way I felt right after losing my virginity. Well, technically I’m always losing my virginity, but you know what I mean. The first time. I was walking around and my legs felt different, my arms looked different, older or longer or like they moved in new ways. And there was something in front of me, in my future, that just wasn’t there before. Maybe it’s because my blood is in another man now, or maybe it’s because I’m growing up and this is just another growing pain. Or maybe, just maybe, something really is gonna happen. And then I can say I told you so. I guess we’ll have to find out.

Born Again

Jessica Hamby — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 02:03:56 +0000

The Worst Spa Night Ever

Jessica Hamby — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 02:02:15 +0000

Be the Man

Jessica Hamby — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 03:56:02 +0000

Where I grew up, we watched our words and we were careful about what came out of our mouths. Because once it’s out? It’s out. You can’t take it back. You can apologize, you can say you didn’t mean it, but you can’t hit control-Z and you can’t just erase what’s already been done.

Y’all keep saying that Hoyt didn’t mean “shit” that way, and you know what? You’re probably right. I know he loves me, vampire and all. And maybe the power of my blood makes him feel small. He’s in a relationship with a woman who’s faster and stronger than him. But that’s the woman he fell in love with. It’s been that way since day one. And while I want to let him be the man, so he can feel big and important, isn’t all that stuff silly? Haven’t we moved beyond all that in today’s world? Women can have careers and men can be stay-at-home dads.

Well I ain’t gonna just sit pretty for him. I’ve never been that way and I never will be.

Things That Are Shit

Jessica Hamby — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 02:00:59 +0000

I can’t get Hoyt’s words outta my mind. Calling my blood shit.

When I think about my blood, I think about its healing nature. Its way of connecting me to the man that I love. At least that’s how it used to be. But lately, it’s like the little rope tied to him at one end, and me at the other? It’s fraying or unraveling. All the fibers are coming apart and now we’re just a mess of string that used to be something strong.

When I think about things that are shit, I think of my daddy’s beatings. I think of what I did to Hoyt, with that guy at Fantgasia. I think of whoever or whatever beat Jason near to his death.

But my blood? My blood ain’t shit. Hoyt Fortenberry, you could not have been more wrong. My blood just saved someone’s life. Maybe it’s my fault that the rope is coming apart, but it ain’t my blood’s fault.

There are things that are shit, and then there are things that are not shit.